I will do my best to write with the justice all of the hearts involved deserve but first I would like to mention that I also have a link for those who enjoy heart felt poetry which provides my experience as a child in words that I feel are for those who enjoy writin. It is definitely straight from the heart I would recommend them check that out here Lost BrotherThere are memories and details here that still bring tears to my eyes today..although in poetry form every word is a word of truth. I will please ask you however to come back and finish reading our story as it will contain updates as to the Dilemmas we now face.
My story began for me as a young child whos mother was so young herself; she was only 18 years old with 5 children to care for and she was alone. She could not always make the ends meet and worked hard to provide money and left us with a simple eye from a neighbor who was a scary monster in my mind as a child.I remember her well as she etched her haunting memories into my little mind. Remembering back though my mother was never short on her love as I always remembered her through my childhood years as the angel.. the warm and loving soul that touched my heart so deeply, so deeply I could and would never forget her. And I did not forget her nor the heart she wore so openly and the soft eyes that spoke so purely of love and emotions, she broke her own heart to save the lives of her children so she though, you see it was a self sacrifice that in time without her knowledge would reward her the hearts of her children. yet this sacrifice would not one that would reward her children with anything but the hard cold lessons of reality in life and a very young age. I guess I mean not to sound bitter nor cold as I know without those stepping stones I would not be whom I am today..I simply ask when my journey of pain, struggling and family loss should end? I learned to always put my children first God after my life and struggling and pain as a child without one, searching to fit it anywhere in a world she felt she did not belong in ; nor was wanted in. I placed no blame on anyone for the rapes upon my mind, soul, spirit, and physical body and the loneliness I can remember like an never ending darkness. I had come to look at these as lessons I must learn, lessons I was lucky to have known to make me compassionate, understanding, loving, forgiving and one of warn nature to help others. I do ask now why? After I have come so far why now?
At some time an "unnamed agency" became involved in our demise and would begin to monitor our family...but then the tragedy happened the tragedy that changed all of our lives. "THE FIRE"- Being left alone we started a fire accidentally and the baby sister in her bassinet caught on fire..and my mother came in just in time to save her but her head need severe surgery throughout the years. At this time something would have to be done and our dear mother believed in her heart to place us with the agency was the best thing she could do for us..little did she know the pain, anguish and losses that our fate had in store for us, this journey would not be one of spiritual ease. I can still remember her telling me, my brother and sister that she would come back for us when she had some money, at this time she placed a dime in each of our hands. The one thing we clung to through all the tears, cries and pains was the thought we had each other right? OOh we could not have been more wrong. To lose a Mother is a pain one can not explain; as words can not express the depths these feeling go-the scars to the soul and heart for the loss of one's mother..the void that it leaves behind after the pain subsides known as a big hole that no one else can fill but only hope to do so for the child sake as well as their own. For you see to lose a family runs a deep river through one's heart that will scar the path it travels forever, leaving the pain of the loss, the hope for a better love to be found somewhere in the world,a desperate plea to just find peace.
Driving out of my mother's life that day, even as a young child I knew my life was taking a change I did not want,and that I was losing the only thing that mattered "my family". As we were leaving I was looking out the back window of the moving car crying for my mother, I remember the pain as it were yesterday, so full in my heart I thought it would burst at any moment.I was only 3 years old and already to have known so much loss and pain. Yes this would be a day I would never not only ever forget but would change me forever. I can still remember how it suddenly began to thunder and the rain poured so hard on the roof of the car it was as if it were drowning out my cries of pain. As a woman who has lived and traveled in this world I now know today that was the angels crying for the injustice that was done and about to be done on that day...for the children were the innocence that were to suffer without just cause..without even the knowledge to protect nor the ability to protect themselves from what was yet to come in their small little lives...and yet to be forever judged by the events that happened.
I spent several years in and out of foster care and learned to know people at a very young age...The "Unnamed Child Protection Agency" had us up for "viewing" just like puppies in the window and we were sold off to the highest bidder and the payments were written off as donations to the "unnamed agency". I was adopted but the important imprinting years had already been formed in my heart, mind and soul. To gain my love and trust would now require the ability to knock down walls and buildings; after all that is what had now surrounded me in order to self preserve. I had learned not to love as those you love always leave, never trust because people always say what they want you to hear not what they mean. My adoption was not a bliss for me as it were for them, This was not my pack and I knew the calling. I did not belong here as it were a temporary stay when the calling should become stronger as I needed to be the Lone wolf at this point in my life.
Well after my adopted parents showed that they could appease the "unnamed child protection Services" in being they were wealthy enough to pay 10,000(the Child Protection Protocol for this unnamed agency) for me the rest was quiet simple...for them anyway, try as a young child to live up to the expectations of the monies that was paid for you, by my teen years I had been referred to basically as damaged goods. I remember I used to tell them to try and return me to see if they could get a discount for damaged product return. During my stay and adoption with this family I never saw another social worker to check up on how I was in the new family. Who was to know all the deep dark secrets that lingered in their home and my heart, I remember that agonizing pain that dwelled deep down in my heart and soul that to this day, it still leaves it scars so marred in its place. I felt so alone back then..I can remember as a young child I would stare at the sun for hours and hours feeling only one connection and that was to mother nature as this world was not a place for me I was convinced. The new family I left at the age of 14 years old and took to the streets taking care of myself as I felt safer there sadly enough for the ravage and rapage of my body, mind, heart and soul must come to an end.I traveled more than most can imagine and met more walks of people than you ever dreamed even existed, My lessons were not over. Once again I walked the path of the wolf...the lone survivor trying to find his path. Yet I found heartbreaks, struggles,wars and battles and even more scars on this path Looking for a place of belonging and longing...a place I dreamt there could be no pain allowed.but each was a stepping stone to prepare me for whom I was to become, and to make me strong enough to fight the battles that were on their way in my future life. This was all such a necessary step..I must learn to stand on my own two feet and survive the world, I must learn who was at that time most important to me (me)...for without me what would I have? I guess I would like to say although sometimes the "unanamed agencies" have a reason to remove children from their homes there is a serious lack of helping to build to keep families together with the hopes of time can often change things, I also must say that I honestly feel that it is not always removing the child/children but how it is done at the time,how is it carried out, and and how the future plans are handled...in my experience very poorly..I was an abused child not by a woman who struggled in a world alone to care for us without help or assistance but by a system whom allowed the sale of a child/children to say having money means you are better than those without. Th erefor my placement required no followups that happened after the fact...I was emotionally abused by their so called placement home, I was stripped of my right to self identify and the right to memories of my family at all cost, I was physically abused and molested...where was the agency I never saw once I was placed simply because the placement could afford money? This is why I fight so hard for my grandson to help keep him from living the life I was forced to live without joice because my mom's family would not help her in a time of need.
My grandchild's story happened as if Karma would have it...same age as I was when I lost my family. Every since is apprehension my family has never been the same and have had to fight for the simple right to be his family, something most take for granted. This began August of 2006 and is still continuing as I write this story and there has been no help for us , no matter how softly or how loudly we scream for that help; it is as if we don't exist. The fear we have been forced to live while the dictatorship of our lives became away of life has been indescribable..words can not express but here is how my grandchild's story began. (I will not mention his name as to protect the identity of the child in this case)
My grandchild was born in 05 and I spent every day of his mother's pregnancy with her and everyday with him until they moved away from us. I had a bad feeling and begged my son to please not leave as I had a terrible feeling in the depths of my gut. My son assured me everything would be alright. They moved an hour away from us and we did what we could to visit but it seemed my son and daughternlaw withdrew for approximately 2 months with only phone communications. I had been diagnosed with advanced lung disease so they would tell me it was best for me not to see my grandchild because the children were sick..
With this a couple of months later I recieved a phone call with my son sobbing and screaming so loud I could barely understand him...he was telling me "they" took my baby mom. I asked him who and he would say I knew all about it and scream words from the depts of a hatred he was feeling. He hung up on me and I had to wait hours for my husband to get home and give me a ride out to my son's home to find out what was going on. He would not come out at first but I told them I was not leaving until someone came to the door and told me what was going on. The door opened and he stepped out into the driveway but did not allow us in the home. He said his wife's mother called unnamed society to remove the kids. I took one look and I knew he was involved in drugs but what I had no idea. He tole me he was addicted to crack. This was the beginning of my world falling apart..While having to live in the present and deal with it, I was also living in the past as it were happening again. We made arrangements that same day to see my grandchild and we were told a native woman on the unnamed reserve had him so the daughternlaws mother arranged the visit. Oh the little guy came running so fast towards us with big hugs and his grandpa picked him up and cuddled him and held tight. The strange woman who arrived with him came over to us and I asked what we had to do in order to take him home as we wished to assume emotional, physical and financial responsibility for him until his parents were better able. With that we were met with fear and told that visits would be all we were entitled to and told by this stranger that they take care of their own on the unnamed reserve. With these words she took my grandchild from his grandpa and turned on her heals and walked as if we were chasing her. I can still hear the clicking of her heels and see the look on her face of fear as if my grandchild were hers. Now I understand attachments but she was a stranger to my grandchild only a mere few days prior to this and we were his family. I came home that day feeling helpful after all I did not know my rights, I only knew my grandchild was living the path I once lived and my path was not a glorious one and I was so afraid his life would be the same. I cried in bed for 3 days and my husband came to me and told me...You have a family that loves you and needs you...now we can fight for the child or you can lay in bed depressed all the time..but we will not fight it it means we lose you. I knew then I had to get it together and walk the path that once again life and thrown before me entrusting a reason for it. I had no idea what was before us...
We found out that were not considered an option for placement because an "unanamed agency" found me in their files and did not take an extra five seconds to push another button to find it was all voluntary involvement..what a sad tragedy that held my entire family's fate that day. So the "unnamed agency" later admitted their wrong and declared we would work on righting things and getting placement.
Righting things? We were supervised in my own home for 4 months by a stranger from the reserve...this "unanamed" woman who had my grandchild; but a foster parent herself decided when we saw our granchild and how long. 4 months of supervision in my home for once a week one hour visits. We gradually moved up to a 3-4 hour unsupervised access once weekly..it took us 8 months to get one overnight stay with our own grandchild...Can you imagine the horror? It was like living in a nightmare I could not wake up from.
Many battles and many problems with the barriers provided by the foster parent she finally took sick and had to consider a temporary placement and here we were...Do I sound grateful she took ill? Certainly not but if were not for that we would not have our grandchild now, as we were good enough to care for him in her time of need but not good enough otherwise. We entered a kinship agreement for 3 months being monitored by both sides...some complain about Child Protection Services; here we were dealing with two agencies and answering to both..spliting our time and lives up to accomadate them but we did so for the best interest of my grandchild. Every bump, every hill, every baracade placed before us I can still hear the supervior of the "unnamed" agency telling me "keep your mind on the prize, don't say anything to upset this woman". And that is what we did for almost 2 and half years, and being no further ahead other than conditioned through emotional control and abuse...my grandson being the thing that was held above us to keep us in line...you play or you lose.
From the kinship we moved into a 6 months permanenet plan of care...of course the unanamed reserve put yet another hill and conditions on this and extended this with another 3 months added on to this...so a 9 month term was in place. I remember being asked to will my grandchild over in the event something were to happen to me? HMMMM wait what about the rest of our family? I don't think so!! And besides since when does a human being become a piece of property to be willed over to anyone or anything?
We were instructed into the placement to seek legal councel to obtain custody of my grandchild from his parents and although the mother appeared to balk a bit the unanamed agency told us they would not help as they had nothing to do with custody...lol WOW!! The things that were told to us who did not know our rights? How unfair to take advantage of honest decent people who even offered their blood to ensure no drugs or alcohol were used at all and turned their home into a glass house for all to see. We finally succeeded in obtaining custody and again a sad day..no mother enjoys taking custody of her own first born son's first born. It was a sad day for me when we signed the paperwork knowing this is what my family had become and how so lost my son truely had become. We had no help through all of this, even though we asked for it at times. I cried every single day at least several times a day through all of this for all that once was, for grieving for my addict son,and for the fear of what would be? Life had become a great big question for us and the hold that had been placed on us seemed non removeable.
We obtained custody remember? One might think or believe that means something..however ask me what it means? NOTHING..I already knew this.We had become so conditioned and frightened we held onto the custody for a week before sharing with either unnamed agency. But my worker came by and asked so I shared? The nightmare began again...oh really it never ended I guess escalated would have been a better term. I found myself still being dictated to as to whom should see the child and whom should not and when asking the unnamed agency what custody means I was responded with it means nothing other than I can make decisions in the better interest of the child which I am apparantly not doing if I do not properly communicate and allow the visits without any alterations or cuts to them as I did not have that right. In a hour conversation I was given 3 reasons as to why the file was remaining open...This is the type of bullying my family had succumbed to and I have to say I have had enough..I mean the line has to draw somewhere. We have dealt with family addiction and the loss of my son tot he drug world...a life lived from dictatorship of a stranger who did not know us but due to political reasons was forced upon us. the heartbreaking fight for my grandchild to finally come to what should be the end of the battles to simply know at that moment and that time you have yet the war to battle.
We are now about to break free from the fear even though we don't have the money to battle in court with a simple prayer it does not go that far, but we have to take a stand for my family and do what is right no matter what. We are just simply grandparents who stepped forward to help raise our grandchild to keep him from the system and our house is on its second mortgage right now as we are still raising our youngest son as well. Times have been tough to say the least, physically, emotionally and financially. I have never been one to ask for help very easily in any of those areas but now I am reaching out because I don't want the lack of finances to once again ordain my family's life as it has so many times in the past. I am sure there are some who have experienced this fight on some level and my understand my heart felt plea for help. Plainly put we don't have money and unfortunately it takes money to fight in court...Legal aide is not an option as it puts a lean a home that already has two mortgages..my husband works two jobs and I work part time but we can not budget a lawyer into the equation.
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